Sort of but not exactly
October 2012
Dear Cory,
In case you’re worried – I’m one of your constituents, after all – I found the first week the hardest (categorically no pun intended). I just couldn’t shake the image of you rising up in the Senate to pontificate on gay marriage and the prospect of human-animal relations. Each night, I put on my grandpa pyjamas, sipped a mug of warm milk, closed my eyes and gently floated towards a deep and peaceful slumber… Only for my subconscious to burn hour after salacious hour, with visions of you wining and dining the feral cat that hangs out in the tree in front of my house, filling the street with its lonesome screeches.
Yes, I know, that’s my fantasy, not yours: I don’t doubt that you’re a happily married man who would never stray, certainly not for something as base as a silky set of whiskers and a bad-girl attitude. Besides, now that the shock of your words has faded — fickle, aren’t I, when I can see no cost or benefit to me personally — I’m beginning to see the value of your (insert preferred taunt) deluded, offensive, crackpot or, shame of all shames, ‘indiscreet’ leap of logic.
It’s my task to formally commend you on behalf of your fellow parliamentarians, especially the ones who don’t really respect you. Because it turns out that most of your colleagues agree with you that gay marriage is a no-no. But in painting a picture nobody wants to look at, you’ve gone and taken the rap for every one of them. What a hero. What a martyr.
It’s little wonder Tony Abbott promoted you to the backbench. Sure, you’ll have to take a pay cut but the conditions are A1: now you can speak your mind. And now you can serve your leader by making him seem more moderate with every passing hour. Next time Tony pleads with you to maintain party discipline, he’ll have his tongue in his cheek because, truthfully, he really, really, really wants you to share your every inner thought with a grateful nation.
I should be your target audience: I’m married to a woman (a human woman, what’s more); I’ve got a young family; I live in the ‘burbs; I was raised Christian, although it’s true I spent my Sunday mornings reading novels I slipped inside hymn books. But you and I will never be Facebook friends. You don’t horrify me in the way that terrorists or people-smugglers or Bashar al-Assad or even Tom Cruise horrifies me, but your pugilistic brand of Christianity, your nonsense brand to commonsense and your ‘good government is tiny government’ mantras utterly deflate me. Nothing personal, but I desperately hope –I’d almost be willing to give prayer a go – that you haven’t got your finger on the pulse of what the silent-majority of dinky-di Aussies truly believe.
Still, I’m with Tony. Keep up your speechmaking. Keep on blogging. Keep promoting your personality cult. Conventional political wisdom claims that disunity equals defeat. I suppose it does, too, but staying ‘on message’ is trite. It’s how aficionados set about misleading parliament.
George Bernard Shaw reckoned that ‘The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.’ I love the idea of filling federal parliament with unreasonable men and women. Why bother getting the gig if all you do is learn your lines? Is anyone hankering for another round of ‘this government will deliver a surplus’ or ‘let me tell you about the Tony Abbott I know’?
I’m not advocating yet more (yawn) Question Time tantrums but I wouldn’t mind some too-earnest frothing at the mouth. Or some razor-sharp provocations: maybe Germaine Greer could give lessons. Most of all, I want some authenticity. The PM was onto something with her Real Julia routine, even if she only managed to conjure up Plastic Julia Version 2. Now, Real Cory, you must lead the charge: wrap yourself in an Aussie flag and warble your sermons from every flagpole across our great land. I’ll cringe every time you speak, but I’ll cop it sweet if you start a trend.
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